Touhou: Superfluously Titled Dimension
by Stevo's Stuff
Summary: A strange possession overcomes Gensokyo, and Reimu and Marisa must find a way to purge it from themselves, and nearly everyone else for that matter. Rated M for being just plain friggin' disgusting.
1. Chapter 1: Sacrifice

A large crowd gathered around the Hakurei shrine, vast as to almost surround the building and loud enough to seem to shake the neighboring forest. Near the front door, four humans formed a procession through the crowd toward the front door of the shrine, carrying a young woman bound and gagged, and squirming to break free.

Inside the shrine, Reimu opened one of her eyes just a slit. The outside cacophony woke her from attempting to get at least a wink of slumber. She suddenly remembered what today was! She jumped out of bed with a surge of energy. She grabbed her clothes, ribbon and deodorant and threw on her miko outfit, patted her pits, and tied up her hair in a ponytail, keeping her tired, stoic gaze throughout. Ready to show herself before the public, she marched out to the front of the shrine with much ceremony in each step on her descent to the crowd. The crowd made room for the holy woman to walk. The masses parted like the Red Sea to reveal her donation box, on top of it, one of the fugliest girls on the face of the planet bound in ropes.

Now, one familiar with the old practices of Hakurei Shrine might find such a sight rather strange, to put it most euphemistically. It all started a few months ago when the Hakurei shrine had literally zero donation intake for quite some time. The sole head miko there, Reimu Hakurei, was literally starving, so she begged her old hag youkai she-bro for something to eat. The crazy vageyena bitch, in rebuttal, suggested that Reimu offer virgins to whatever the Hell the Hakurei shrine is worshiping. Reimu, hungry enough to to seriously consider eating her own feces, decided to accept the advice, because she had no better ideas. When she lied to the human village that the Hakurei god demanded virgins for "sacrifice," the idea unexpectedly caught on. Virgins came to the Hakurei shrine like swarms of locusts. Seriously, no sane person could imagine so many virgins in one concentrated area, especially in Gensokyo (in b4 nerdy conventions). The intake of untouched genitalia was so cloggingly immense, Reimu had to bullshit to the masses not to bring them all in at once. Ever since, Reimu has had no shortage of unwilling virgins at her disposal for whatever purposes she deemed useful. Unfortunately for them, Reimu was a rather hungry miko, and on top of that, she had to continue the Hakurei lineage _somehow_.

And there stood the very image that Reimu seemed to internally facepalm. In order to save a few yen, instead of donating money to feed the miko, the foolish horde decided to give away their poor inexperienced lot. This caused the virgins, now literally, to clog up her donation box.

"People of Gensokyo," Reimu addressed the humans surrounding the shrine. She stared at the nasty-looking young girl who no one would ever fuck and almost scowled, but kept her disposition. "The god of the Hakurei shrine and lineage," Reimu gave another gaze at the virgin sacrifice; God damn, was she ugly. "...finds this sacrifice worthy for its endeavors. I will now go to offer her within the shrine." She grabbed the virgin on her donation box, threw her over her shoulder and started to carry her into the shrine. The crowd cheered as Reimu and the horse-faced virgin crossed the front door threshold.

As soon as Reimu woke up that morning, the noise from the audience outside faded away to silence. Now the most distinct noise in the shrine was Reimu's clamored steps as she carried her "sacrificial victim" to a wall at the shrine. She grabbed a part of it, fiddled with it a little, and slid the camouflage door aside. From the light outside the otherwise pitch black room, Reimu peered in. She could see earlier virgins, both male and female, "offered to her god," tied and gagged like the one on her shoulder. She started counting, "One, two, three, four..." Reimu saw seven virgins in her storage closet. She then realized that some were missing. "Dammit, Yukari," she thought. She was the whole reason this closet is being used for its current purpose; of course she would steal a few of Reimu's hard-BS'd "sacrifices." In a fit of anger, Reimu threw the ugly virgin as hard as she possibly could, making her hit the far wall. She then looked at the bound lot and grabbed one of the male sacrifices.

Reimu dragged the young pure man out of the closet and slammed the door shot. She then locked it up. Her attention returned to the virgin. She grabbed him by the nape and continued to drag him through the shrine halls all the way to the kitchen. When she finally reached the room, she found her large soup cauldron already prepared with water and firewood. She started a fire under the cauldron and opened the lid. Already she found the virgin trying to squirm out of the room to safety, but Reimu stomped over to him and grabbed him a third time. She then beat him upside the head. This made him a little dazed, but still at full strength. Dissatisfied, Reimu beat the virgin harder, causing him to fall into a stupor. Glad with his disabled but still conscious state, Reimu untied the virgin and stripped off his clothes. She grabbed him one more time and gave him a few swings in her hands. After the last one, she flung him into the now boiling pot with a splash. Now gurgling in the scalding hot water with his legs kicking in the air, the virgin's ineffable pain resonated throughout his body. Reimu ran to grab the lid and slammed the cauldron shut. She then hinged the cauldron locked, seeing the cauldron shake around from the young man's writhing and the banging against the edged for an ounce of mercy in his hot water hell. Such was making dinner ever since Reimu Hakurei received virgin sacrifices.

While she waited for her new batch of virgin soup to be ready for consumption, she felt nature calling. She went out to the Hakurei outhouse to drain the inverted trouser snake. When she released her yellow stream, somehow she didn't feel relief. She instead felt like a infernal danmaku burst forth, grazing her urethra. Her agonizing scream could be heard throughout the wilderness.


	2. Chapter 2: Incident

Marisa Kirisame, the extremely interesting and ethnicity-confused stereotypical witch was flying on her witch's broomstick. She adjusted her giant witch's hat and let out a witchy cackle while scratching the budding wart on her nose. Did I mention that she's a witch? for the past few trips to the bathroom, she felt like her vagina was releasing a beam of raw energy like there was a Mini-Hakkero in her bladder. Under the nagging suspicion that this must be an incident, she decided to take a trip to the Hakurei Shrine to consult her partner in youkai genocide, Reimu. When she found the isolated shrine, she flew down and looked for a place to land.

Meanwhile, Reimu was staring at the cup of tea in her hand. She was thirsty as the desert, but she didn't want to fill her system with any fluid again and experience the same horrible pain like the last time she urinated. She knew she would be dying of deprivation like before the skeletons-to-be in her closet came to appear there, but that burning. That BURNING made her defy her instinct for delicious tea. Suddenly, some dumb blonde flew across the room and almost made her spill hot fluid on her already burning crotch.

"Sweet Xenu!" Reimu grunted while trying to keep her cup of tea in balance. She then turned to the identified flying nut-job. "Hey, you autistic cow fucker!" Reimu shouts at Marisa. "How's about using your piss-colored eyes to see where the fuck you're going, dumbass!"

Marisa walked back into the room with a cocky gait. "RAYMOO! What is in the upward direction, my erythro-albinic she-bro, da ze~!" she greeted.

"Shove a cock in it, nigger-tits!" Reimu retorted. "You almost tore down my puta shrine. Who in the name of all that is fuck do you think you are, Samson with a loose cunt?"

"Don't hate the player, affiliate; hate the whiny spectators that think they can do it better!" Marisa boasted. "Anyway, I came to your pad to get some info on what my awesome, 100%-accurate instinct says is an incident, and I want you to help me out, oh master of incident solutions."

"Fuck that shit." Reimu then thoughtlessly took a sip of her tea. "What in the City of Dis can it be this time? I already fuck up so many stupid bitches' asses that I lost track."

"Well..." Marisa scratched the back of her head and cringed. "You see... whenever I use the bathroom, I get this awful burning sensation, and I've been wondering if you know anything about the cause of it..."

Reimu finished her drinking and slammed her cup of tea on the table. "Sweet merciful Richard Dawkins..." Reimu faintly sighed. That was the exact situation that she was in since earlier today. "Listen up, botulin toxin enema; I needa get my meal ready, and by some strange quantum positional collapse, I somehow got enough proto-shit for your sorry ass, too. I promise, this time I won't put any of my bodily fluids in your serving, whore-biscuit."

"Awwww, creature of the H. sapiens species with external genitalia!" Marisa cheered as she rubbed her stomach. "I'm really jonesing for some sustenance!"

Reimu returned with two large bowls full of stew. She gave one to the black-white and kept the other for herself. "Itadakimasu, motherfucker," Reimu said before starting on her delicious soup. Marisa stared at into her bowl for a moment then took her spoon and gave the strange concoction a sip. It tasted quite strange, but new and inviting. "Yo, Reims," Marisa told Reimu with pep. "What kinda soup is this, ze~?"

Reimu stared at Marisa for a moment. "Like Hell I'll tell you," she said. "It's a secret family recipe. It might as well have goat semen in it for all you should care, smegma-for-brains." Reimu kept her look of seeming perpetual lack of amusement while smiling on the inside. She really could be eating one of her relatives for all she knew, that is, on the flimsy assumption that any of the Kirisames were even slightly virginal. "Say, about this little incident involving hellish torture on my taco, do you think any other sorry sons-of-bitches got it too?"

Marisa grinned and blushed. "Well, hopefully not. I just think it has something to do with demons or something like that."

Reimu gazed straight into Marisa's soul, condemning it for its apparent stupidity. She then realized something. "If I'm working on an incident, maybe people would be more willing to give me donations!" she thought. "Ya know what?" Reimu offered a rhetorical question to Marisa. "I think I'll go ahead and dick around with you on this bloody endeavor. I ain't got a sodomizing thing less mind-numbing to waste my time over. Besides, I feed like a sped teacher, 'cause I've been dealing with a pack of fucking retards lately."

Marisa's eyes lit up. "All right!" she jubilated. "Let's go right after we're done eating this delicious soup, ze~!"

Reimu nodded her head and continued eating. At the end of the meal, Marisa already was on her broom ready to venture into the great yonder. "All right, let's go!" she bellowed.

"Keep your yeast-infected tampon on, you ADHD cockbite!" Reimu sneers at the witch. "I gotta take a piss that'll rival the ocean that is /b/."


	3. Chapter 3: Expertise

Reimu and Marisa navigated the wilderness of Gensokyo, looking for someone to blame for their brand new incident. Whenever the two traveled the forest nowadays, they usually find it uninhabited, contrary to all the noise and waste product they find emanating from the wood from a distance. They were cruising between the trees when suddenly a pale blue dot stopped in their path.

"Yo, dude!" Marisa shouted at the distant speck. "Get out of our way before we mow ya down, ze~!"

The tiny unmoving dot grew in size and began to take an anthropomorphic form. Already, they knew who this baka was. Rumor has it, she was the strongest in all of Gensokyo, but Reimu knew better. Cirno was her name; the blue-haired ice fairy kept her position in my sky, right in the cross-hairs of the miko's and the witch's flight. "You will no longer terrorize the critters of the forest, evil-doers!" Cirno bellowed. "For I am the strongest, and you just don't mess with the strongest!"

"Who does this stupid fairy think she is?" Marisa murmured.

Reimu overheard Marisa talking to herself. She grunted in response, "Must be the redneck inbred Fundie phimotic Jew half-twin cousin of Fern Gully's faggoty bitch tits."

Cirno kept her position, floating before the two fast approaching humans. "Haha," Cirno laughed at the two. She planted her fists on her hips, puffed out her chest and let out a grin. "No one can take me on and win, because I am the ice fairy Cirno." She then points a finger at the witch and the miko. "I'm the strongest in all of Genso-"

Marisa's broomstick penetrated the egomaniacal and foolish fairy, causing her to explode into a spectacular array of bright red boxes, all labeled "P." Marisa continued flying to her unknown destination nonchalantly, sighing that the moron who could have prevented herself from being murdered. Reimu remained looking forward. Marisa turned back to ask Reimu, "So, where exactly ARE we going, ze~?"

"Well maybe if you weren't so insecure about the size of your dick and let me handle the fucking navigation, you wouldn't prove yourself more of a fucktard than that fucktard you broom-raped!" Reimu screamed at the witch. She flew up and went in front of Marisa, guiding her to where she knew to go. "And don't try to shove that broom up my ass again, bleach-jizz!"

"Say, Reimu," Marisa replied. "Where exactly ARE we going?"

Reimu cringed at the question. In all her youkai-hunting campaigns, she really didn't know where she was going. She just went around beating the crap out of people for information. Then she flew around some more and beat the crap out of the culprits. Hearing this question from her partner always bothered the hell out of her, 'cause that meant that she had to make shit up. "We're going to Gay-entei to talk to that psycho-bitch Dr. Yago-kevorkian, cum dumpster!"

Marisa just shrugged her shoulders. She would have asked why Reimu wanted to go to Eientei of all places, but she knew that if she further questioned her partner in youkai hunting, she would receive corporeal punishment for her insolence. She flew directly behind Reimu, trying to look up her skirt for the lulz. After a stage-long trek involving Reimu farting in Marisa's general direction then almost immediately denying it, out heroes finally reached Eientei, home of the most renowned doctor in all of Gensokyo, Dr. Eirin Yagokoro.

In the Golden Hemorrhoid Hospital at Eientei waiting room, Riemu and Marisa took a seat in unusually sparsely-populated building. "This shit hole should be open, or I'll give these fuckers a reason to go to work," Reimu grunted while brandishing her miko stick.

Sr. Hakurei's bloodlust was suddenly interrupted by the office door opening. Another miko shuffled out; her eyes welled up in tears and a stream of blood running down one of her legs. She stopped, trembling, and looked back into the room from whence she came, her mouth shaking from so much pent-up sorrow. The doctor peered her head out scowling at her miko patient. "I swear to your god;" she warns, providing medical advice to the miko of weak mental constitution. "If you tell so much as a frozen frog about this operation, your ass is ground pork."

The traumatized shrine maiden trepidated for a moment, then ran at full speed out of the building, weeping and gnashing her teeth in the process. Eirin swung her arm out, pointing at the running girl, "I know where you live!" she threatened. Marisa's eyes widened from the sight after the door opened. Reimu remained seemingly bored. Eirin looked into the waiting room and saw the two newcomers. "Ah," her face suddenly went from an angry cringe to a bright smile. She pushed her tattered hair out of her face. "I can help the next patient, if you please!"

Reimu and Marisa lifted themselves from their seats and walked over to the entrance to Dr. Yagokoro's office. Eirin walked over to her operation table and grabbed a towel and some soapy water. "So," she told the two patients while wetting the towel with the water. "What brings you two to my fine medical establishment?

"It burns when I pee," Marisa blurted out. Reimu beat her in the back of the head with her miko stick. "Keep your cockhole shut, AssMaster 4000!" she demanded. She then spoke to Eirin."Doctor, it burns like that dumbass crow's Hiroshima re-enactment when I take a piss!"

"Does it, now?" Eirin said. She slapped the wet towel on the operating table and turned her back to the miko and the witch. "You know, I think someone told me about that kind of phenomenon from the outside world. What's it called... a venereal disease?" She then grabbed the towel and began to scrub the blood stains off the makeshift bed.

"Venereal disease? What does that mean?" Marisa pondered with her eyes wide open.

Eirin continued to wipe the blood off. "Yes," she informed the two visitors. "Apparently, it's a pathogenic illness that can only be spread by sexual contact with those infected."

"Wait just a premature-ejaculating minute," Reimu interrupted. "What you're telling me is that we fucked someone's dirty genitalia and got ours covered in that nasty crap. What the fucking fuck is that fucking fucked-up fuckery?"

"Exactly." Dr. Yagokoro nonchalantly uttered. Since the two walked into the room, she had yet to make eye contact with either patient. Instead, she kept her back to the two scrubbing up presumably miko blood.

"That's messed up," Marisa commented on the new information.

"What kind of dick-faced being would make a hellish disease spread by fucking?" Reimu critiqued. "They'd have to really hate bile-brains who fuck everything that moves with every fiber of their being!"

Tears started to well up in Marisa's eyes. "Is there anything you have to cure this?"

Eirin's arms stopped moving back and forth. She finally turned around with towel in hand. Her arms, hands and dress were covered in sprayed drops of blood and soapy water while her towel is drenched and dripping with the stuff. Her face pierced into Marisa's soul. "Do you think you can just fly on over here expecting me to provide you with a magic pill that will cure all your ailments, huh, witch?" Eirin yelled through her gritting teeth.

Marisa damn near soiled her bloomers. "Ehm, no! I just want you advice! We'll take any method of remedy, no matter how taxing it is!"

Reimu beat Marisa again. "Can it, Skene's Cannon! I don't want this bitch mutilating my junk like that last pussy-ass miko!" she screamed at the blonde. She then turned to the doctor. "Listen, cunt punt, I wanna go to the pinche outhouse without having some stupid fucker asking me if I'm all right, making me stall talk like a pedophile, so could you please tell us how to get rid of this fucking curse form God's prolapsed asshole?"

"Unfortunately, I don't have any method of treatment for your condition right now," Eirin told Reimu while throwing the towel back in the bucket. "You'll have to come back later after I perform some clinical trials."

"Futa Mother Mary," Reimu shouts. "Well, it looks like even this sadist's too much of a fucking idiot to help us with our problem! Let's be off like prom dresses before she shoves a scalpel in our pussies."

"Whatever you say, ze~," Marisa replied. With that the two gave their goodbyes to Dr. Yagokoro and continued on their quest. Eirin kept at her cleanup job until the door finally shut. When she was finally alone, she hung her head down and let out a great sigh. "Oh, thank God I'm not the only one," she muttered.


	4. Chapter 4: Boundaries

Reimu and Marisa remained in the Bamboo Forest, seemingly waiting for an answer to fall from the sky. Ms. Kirisame leaned against a bamboo tree worn from mentally searching for a place to fly to next. Reimu, on the other hand, still had quite a bit of fuel left, with her hand on her chin and pacing back in forth in front of the black-white.

"Well, Reimu, like my Mama used to tell me," Marisa attempted to contribute to the otherwise fruitless brainstorming. "If you're having any problems involving sex, the best solution is always more sex."

Before her cognition interpreted the collection of words as a meaningful phrase, she wanted to stop where she was and punch her co-hunter square in the septum. However, she was too busy remaining on the verge of a stunning anagnorisis to physically abuse a witch. "How could I have possibly gotten this 'disease' from someone else unless I had relations with someone infected?" Reimu thought silently. "Clearly, none of the virgin sacrifices I violated could have given me that, and other than them, the only person I boned lately was..." Reimu planted both feet still and her eyes widened.

That bitch, Yukari.

"She has a nasty cunt that I was stupid enough to so much as touch, much less trib," Reimu realized. Her genitalia itched from the effects of the illness and her swelling rage girl-boner. Her teeth gritted, and her fists clenched. Words could not describe the kind of horrid mutilating punishments the miko wanted to inflict on the gap youkai. She brandished her miko stick, beating it into her free hand with a loud smack. Marisa couldn't help but notice Reimu's reaction to something she was completely unaware of. "Is something the matter?" Marisa attempted to give her friend consultation.

"That whore," Reimu grumbled in response. "I swear by my honor as a Shinto lady that when I see Methuselah's cum guzzler, I'll treppanate her with a duck's dick!"

Just then a pair of bows magically appeared above the two's heads, both at the ends of a infinitesimally thin line. The line then opened up into some rift in space-time with Mantorok staring out at the two with its myriad eyes. An older woman in a floppy hat peered her head out, twirling her umbrella. She gazed at the two seemingly lowly humans with her purple eyes.

"Speak of the saggy fossilized tits," Reimu attacked the new member of the conversation. Marisa, turned her head quickly to Reimu, then to the woman her friend was staring at. Her eyes slightly lit up. "Oh, hey Yukari!" Marisa greeted.

"Oh, good afternoon, Ms. Kirisame." Yukari replied while pulling out her fan. She covered the lower half of her face with the ornament and waved it under her royally-colored eyes. They turned their gaze to the miko. "As for you," she told the red-white. "I'd like you to have a little more manners, albeit your rudeness is rather tsundere, Reimu-chan."

"Can it, Imperial Wizard of the Pedophiles," said the dark-haired holy woman. "You're the reason I've been pissing acid for the past few fokking days! You best gap my fire crotch back to normal before I use one of those purple pussies of yours to go back in time and chop your father's dick off and make your mother _die sheisse Metzgermeister_!"

Yukari blushed and smiled behind her fan. "Now, Reimu-chan," she seemed to sing. "I may be a gap youkai, but I'm no miracle worker. I'm very sorry, my little flower. I never meant to hurt you, but there's nothing I can do to remedy your problem."

"I'd tell you to eat a dick, but that would make the pinche problem worse," Reimu ungratefully jeered. Marisa tried to be more polite to the gap youkai, in hopes of catching her approval with honey than with vinegar. "Well, Madame Yakumo, if you find anything that will help us, a cure, an operation, a spell, anything, and I mean _anything_, please give it to us, and we'll help everyone we can with it, ze~!" she negotiated.

Yukari closed her fan and leaned over to Marisa, giving the witch a good view of her cleavage. "Well, I don't think I know anything that would help at the top of my head," she told the black-white. "However, I'll help you help me help you help my little Reimu-chan, capiche?" She reached her arm into the gap she was emanating from and pulled out a male duck. She dropped it in front of Reimu. "Oh, and good luck, my wacky miko (heart)." Yukari blew a kiss at Reimu then slipped back into her gap. Immediately, the gap closed with what would be a slam if it were tangible. This left Reimu, Marisa and the duck. "_Me cago en tu gappo,_" Reimu shouted at the now-disappeared youkai.

"So," Marisa chimed in. "We're back at square one, right?"

"You bet your saggy floppy labia," Reimu told her friend. She then sighed. "Great, Powerful Ba'al, how the fuck are we supposed to get rid of this burning piss?"

"We'll just have to use our incident instinct, ze~"

Reimu picked up the duck and beat Marisa with it. "Just keep your whore mouth shut and let me do all the fucker-fucking thinking, 'cause I'm the only one between the two of us testicle-biters who can do shit like that." They took to the sky in whichever direction Reimu felt like and continued on their journey.


	5. Chapter 5: Punishment

"Fuck the stigmata!" Reimu screamed after accidentally murdering another helpless youkai. "Why are all these pencil dicks so God-damn weak? And why won't they shut the fuck up or spew their shit when I fucking order them to?"

Marisa just watched on a few paces from the rampaging miko, seeming to lean on her broomstick. "I told you, you should've gone with waterbaording, ze~," she reminds Reimu.

"Do you have fucking ass burgers?" Reimu sneered at her friend. "This whore was a water youkai! That'd be like trying to rape an old hippie without a strap-on .12 gauge! Hades, this interrogation process has been giving us less idol-fucking answers and more bloody buggery youkai corpses!" She beat the dead monster once more with her thoroughly-abused duck, causing its neck to snap and ultimately ending its misery. "It's no fucking use. I might as well writhe in pain when I piss and cover myself in piss in the process!"

Marisa became aroused at her friend's last remark for some strange reason and blushed hard at the seeming wrongness of her reaction. She then picked up her broomstick and threw it on top of her shoulder while sighing. "Well, I guess we should head back to the shrine and drown our sorrows in sake, am I right?"

Reimu stared at Marisa with her signature stoic gaze like she was a moron. Her answer, contrary to her expression, was "Oh, why the fuck not? It seems like the best course of circle-jerking either of us can think of, so let's head back to that shithole I call home."

Before they could leave for the Hakurei shrine, a thunderous stomp resonated where they just turned their backs. Marisa trembled while looking over her shoulder, adjusting her hat for a better view. Reimu just spun a 180 again. What stood before the duo was a rather formidable woman with her face covered under a large blue hat. She crossed her arms over her chest with a rod protruding from one of her hands. This would make quite an impression on Reimu and Marisa, provided this militaristicly-decorated woman were towering. In reality, she was actually about the same height as the two, if not shorter. Nonetheless, her eyes pierced thrrough the shadow her brim made over her face. She spoke with authority, albeit much like the scribes, "And what exactly have you two been up to?"

"China's tits!" Reimu shouted, compelling Marisa to take a swig from her flask of Witch's Brew. "You're that bitch who's all like, 'Oh, you should stop treating God like a dick, you dick' and I'm all like 'Bitch, you don't know shit about fuck! I do what I want, 'cause God thinks I'm a sexy beast!' and then we shot our menstrual waste product at each other and I KICKED YOUR ASS!"

The scene fell silent for a solid minute after Reimu's bellow. Not even the creatures of the wilderness made a noise. Marisa stared in shock and the sharply-dressed woman made a cringe of disdain. Reimu kept her emotionless, cynical expression. The green-haired bureaucrat broke the silence with a grunt then continued her oration. "In case you forgot, my name is Shikieiki Yamaxanadu. I am an angel of judgement, whose dharma is to guide the misguided into fulfilling theirs." Eiki's gaze diverged from the miko's for but a glimpse during the last word. Her war face changed into a state of shock. "I- is that a shinigami tied to a chair? And a dead duck?"

Of course, Eiki was referring to the youkai corpse tied up and bloody from Reimu's murderous rampage. She made a brisk pace toward the crime scene, trying her damnedest to keep her professional composure and not run to the scene crying and shaking over the bloodshed. She closely examined the victim of Reimu's torture. The face was horridly beaten to the point of being unrecognizable, even after Eiki wiped as much blood as she could for a better view. She couldn't tell who the corpse once belonged to. Eiki turned to the miko and the witch. Pushing her more emotional inquiries aside in her head, Eiki asked the miko and the witch, "How the heck did you two even manage to kill her with your bare hands?"

"Oh, I didn't do anything; it was all Reimu's doing," Marisa blurted. "And she used her miko stick and a duck!"

"What did I say about keeping your whore mouth shut, you heathen shit barfer?" Reimu retorted.

After a moment of silence, Marisa replied, "I should keep my whore mouth shut?"

"Exactly, cock in my ass!" Reimu scolded the blonde. She then addressed the Yama. "All right, listen the fuck up, you whose ass is tighter than my dope rhymes! No cock-bite I came across is telling me why my vagina burns so much, so I'm killing the morons off one by one!"

"What about the doctor at Eientei?" Marisa retorted to the angry miko.

Reimu turned her head quickly and lifted her miko stick, priming it for a nearly lethal blow toward Marisa. "Nigger-cracker, I can't tell whether your mouth or cunt is looser!"

Eiki cleared her throat rather loudly, returning the two women's attention to her. "You killed a shinigami before its time. That is an offense punishable by dying right where you stand!" she warned the two. She lifted her Rod of Remorse as the sky darkened into a brewing thunderstorm. Her eyes glowed a brighter sapphire blue and the wind spun around her presence. Her mouth then unleashed an earthquake, relaying the message, "If you repent now, then there is a chance that I might consider sparing your existence." Lightning split the sky in twain, making contact with the Rod of Remorse and sending its electricity throughout the Yama's physical form. Irradiating with raw energy, Eiki finished elaborating her ultimatum, "Otherwise, you will endure ineffable torture and be purged from reality completely!"

While Marisa trembled in fear of the Yama, Reimu kept her composure. "Bitch, you can't kill me!" the miko addressed Eiki. "If you do, Gensokyo would sodomize itself then implode!"

Eiki's rage settled back into broad day light and disappointment. She suddenly remembered who she was dealing with, the Hakurei miko who protects the border between Gensokyo and the outside world. Her eye twitched for a moment above her now grinding cringe. "Motherfucker," she muttered under her breath. She then stood up straight and returned to her professional demeanor as if she weren't ridiculed. "Well, at least you should leave the Sanzu river area before you accidentally end up on the other side."

"Wait just a minute, Cheeky-deeky Yadda-Yadda" Marisa said. Reimu's eyes and nose flared up from Marisa so much as speaking. She then returned to her calmer state when she realized that it was the Yama she was talking back at and not her. Marisa continued, "Before we go, we wanna know what you know about everyone's genitalia feeling like it's on fire every time they go to the bathroom."

Eiki merely lifted an eyebrow. "Well, I never experienced the burning sensation myself," she informed the witch. "But I tend to overhear the souls of the damned in my work. One of them said that the most effective treatment is to take some pills that stop at the infected area and immediately dissolve and wash vigorously until the symptoms cease, all while abstaining from sex. It could take whole weeks before one is cured."

"Weeks without sex?" Marisa gasped. "I don't think I can handle such a treatment!"

"Cock and balls," Reimu grunted. "This is so much bullshit, I don't think this killing spree's worth a painless piss-hole!"

"Wait a minute," Marisa pondered. "You said that you don't know what this illness feels like. I wonder why that's so, ze~."

Eiki blushed a little and shuffled the scowl from side to side. "Tha- that's none of your business," she uttered.

Marisa grinned and chuckled. "I see how it is, ze~," she said to the Yama.

Reimu them realized where the witch was coming from. "Holy shit, Marisa, are you actually farting something that isn't pure concentrated fucktardedness?" she shouted. "You're suggesting that this tight-ass is tight 'cause no one fucked it?"

"I wanted to be more subtle, but yes, that _is_ what I'm suggesting," Marisa replied. This caused Reimu to laugh uncontrollably at Eiki's inexperience. They then proceeded to taunt the virgin as she stood there with her pent up anger and embarrassment.

"Young virgin auto-sodomized by the horns of her own chastity!" Marisa pointed and laughed.

"Not even your lazy-ass titty monster would fuck you," Reimu teased.

After a circular dance around the furious Yama, Eiki burst into rage. "DANZAI!" she screamed while casting forth her Rod of Remorse.

Being a skilled thief, danmaku fighter and womanizer, Marisa knew when to run from a messy situation. She grabbed Reimu and pulled out her Mini-Hakkero with the other hand, unleashing a MASTER SPARK! at Shikieiki, she flew from the recoil of her overwhelming energy wave. After flinging Reimu over her shoulder, she grabbed her broom and slung it between her feet, prepped to fly it. The Master Spark ceased, and with one hand and both legs wrapped around the broom, she soared away from the scene, never looking back. Meanwhile, Reimu screamed and swore at the witch.

"Dammit, you cock block, I was gonna fuck her up good and proper with my virgin sacrifice ritual!" Reimu shouted at Marisa.

"I don't care," Marisa replied. "We needa regroup at the shrine. Besides, I'm jonesing for a nice hard drink, ze~." Marisa and Reimu flew in the sky until night fell.


	6. Chapter 6: Hangover

Reimu woke up the next morning to her name being constantly chanted. The cheering seemed to be in perfect time from her head throbbing in immense pain. Her latest memory from that night was her and Marisa smashing the empty sake bottle into shards to celebrate how it was once full until they got to it. Now, she needed to sate the crowd that was outside. Fortunately, she was still in her miko uniform, albeit it was wrinkled, tattered and stained. She stumbled, attempting to stand up straight. After a few minutes of attempting to navigate her shrine to a constant beating of chanting and her headache, she reached the front door. Sliding it open, the crowd stopped the summoning to replace it with a cacophony. The bright morning sun and the noisy cheering made Reimu's hangover migraine concentrated Hell. Not that Reimu wasn't used to venturing into the depths of the afterlife's abyss, she still couldn't help but let out a groan from the torture. Her squeezed-shut eye invisibly opened her eye a quantum. Her vision, blurred from the lack of light and her eyelashes, could notice a black and white blur in front of her donation box and the crowd with its fresh sacrificial virgin.

Reimu didn't know whether to bother with the crowd to salvage Marisa or go back to her shrine and get the spell cards to deal with that annoying lot. Her reasoning failed, drowned out from her hangover. Unable to handle the pain, she hallucinated a deafening "Pichuu-n!" followed by a very real scream bursting forth from the most profound depths of her core.

The blood-curdling scream instantly made the crowd silent. Reimu was able to venture outside the shrine. With the exceptions of her ruined dirty outfit and her head buried in her palm from the migraine, Reimu marched proudly to the donation box. She stopped at the box where a witch laid prostrate and unconscious. Ignoring the crowd, Reimu grabbed Marisa's hair and collar and pulled her face off the box. Vomit splashed and trickled down the witch's chin and top, while the rest was scattered on top of and inside the donation box. The blond mumbled incoherently while swinging her head involuntarily. Reimu let her arm fall, the witch following suit. She lifted her head to the crowd, trying to ignore the bright morning sun. "Listen, guys," Reimu addressed the congregation. "Just leave the sacrifice at my doorstep. I'll deal with him later." With that she headed back to her shrine, dragging the sleeping Marisa with her all the way to the interior.

Reimu pushed aside the door to the latrine, still dragging Marisa along the floor. She yanked her witch hat right off her head and slam-dunked the blonde's head into one of the holes. Marisa now looked like an ostrich with her butt sticking out in the air. Reimu set the hat on Marisa's posterior with a tug. "I better find your next 'donation' in there, foreskin." Reimu ordered her unknowingly-humiliated partner.

Reimu trekked back to the front door. Luckily, she couldn't hear any loud booming noises, so the crowd must have cleared. She creaked open the front door and peered her head outside. She first noticed her witch vomit-covered donation box, which made her want to vomit herself. This sickness stemmed not from the inherent unsanitary state of the scene, but from the fact that her donation box has been defiled... again. A muffle to her right distracted her from her ill rage. However, the noise made her migraine throb harder than at rest state. She snapped her head to the source of the subdued scream for help. Beside the Hakurei shrine from door squirmed a rather scrawny virgin with the strangest maroon hair. She swung the door completely open and stomped outside to retrieve the sacrifice. She lifted him up by the hair and looked him in the face. She moved her head about in deep examination, noticing the features and strange thick shape of his eye-wear. She then realized the kind of people with a demeanor such as his. "You're one of those butt fuckers from the Moriya shrine, right?" Reimu interrogated.

The hostage attempted to respond, but there was somewhat of a gag in the way of communication. After a full sentence of muffled speech, Reimu yanked down the gag to actually know what the Hell this guy was saying. His clear answer ended up as, "How am I a butt fucker if I'm a virgin?"

The door to the pitch black storage room opened with a blinding light shining forth. Inside the light were two silhouettes, The more feminine one threw the sacrificial virgin from the Moriya shrine into the abyss. After hearing a thud and a grunt from where she threw, she noticed out of the corner of her eye two of the sacrificial virgins positioned themselves rather suspiciously, albeit in mere preparation. Reimu would have been wondering how they managed to move so freely when they're tied up how they were, but she had a much bigger fish to fry. "Y'all rim jobs think losing your virginity will let you off the nipple-fucking hook, huh?" Reimu bellowed to the sorry sons of bitches locked in the storage room. "Well listen the fuck up, if any of y'all figure out how fucking works, I swear to Cthulu, I will personally literally throw your defiled asses in the Hell of Blazing Fires!" Reimu turned around and headed for the door when she was surprised by a human being falling right on top of her. She looked up and noticed a sickeningly familiar gap closing right above her.

"Yukari Cock-umo!" Reimu yelled at the top of her lungs while throwing the human projectile into the wall. Like the rest in the room, he was tied and gagged, but unlike the rest, his head was now lodged into the ceiling. "Next time I see your wrinkly old hag genitalia for a face, there will be Hell to pay!"

Reimu slammed the door shut, leaving the room pitch black again. She walked back to her futon with a cup of lukewarm tea in her hand. She downed the entire cup, scratched her pubis, and fell on her bed in extreme exhaustion.


	7. Chapter 7: Doublethink

AN: **WARNING:** Most of the content in this chapter may be inappropriate for some audiences. No, seriously, I mean potentially traumatizing. "Viewer discretion is advised" are too soft of words.

xxx

When the sun peaked at its meridian and shadows refused to leave from under their sources, The sound of a camera shutter traveled throughout the Hakurei shrine. Unfortunately, Reimu was sleeping uncomfortably close to the source. She opened her eye to notice an unusually tall pair of geta. A cocky nasal voice then spoke to the other two pairs of legs behind the lead. "We got a nice picture this time, ladies. I told you there was a reason they call her the Armpit miko!"

Reimu shuffled around her futon in a fit of pique, trying to balance herself until a moment later finally sitting up and making the unwanted visitors acknowledge their intrusion. She looked up and noticed their faces, a raven-haired reporter, her cell phone addict cronie, and her fully-armed dog cronie, all with their usual silly-looking tiny hats. "Oh, Hell no," Reimu thought. "These assholes again..."

These assholes were the Bunbunmaru newspaper reporters and their bodyguard and possible sex slave, Aya, Hatate, and Momiji, respectively. Everyone in Gensokyo hated these tengus, and that's no exaggeration. These so-called professional journalists spent most of their time stalking the innocent residents of Gensokyo, taking photos of their most private occasions and claiming them to be scandalous and out of control. Whenever an incident that was actually newsworthy actually happened, an incident solver like Reimu or Marisa would run off and try to solve it while these two completely fabricated completely false headlines, or even resorted to writing about mind-numbing videos they found on the Internet. These "reporters" were essentially useless, and their "business" ran on perversion and blackmail. Ignorance was their strength. Sister Hakurei, being especially quick to anger and a more preferred victim of the tengus' antics, hated Aya and Hatate with such a passion burning hotter than her past several days' urine.

"Oh, now that the star of our next issue is up and at 'em, we can give her a little interview," Aya said while grinning and shaking her newly-developed picture. Reimu couldn't help but notice a new addition to their wardrobes. Other than their anachronistic semi-professional uniforms, their outfits, as well as their canine bodyguard's era- and culture-appropriate attire, sported a bright red band around their waists. Reimu's hangover still bore its aftershocks, rendering her more hotheaded than usual. "What are those used tampons around your love handles?" She inquired the visitors.

"Oh, these things?" Aya responded while looking down and lifting the free part of the oversized ribbon. "They're the band of the Julia O'Brein, Jr. Anti-Sex League, a new organization dedicated to journalistic integrity by promoting honest news and avoiding the 'sex sells' gimmick for popularity!"

"Like, yeah," Hatate picked up where Aya left. "We're, like, a ministry of truth, like, with, like, fair and balanced, like, news coverage! Totally!"

Reimu could taste the hypocrisy in those tengus' words. She lifted herself from the futon and patted down her miko outfit. "Whatever the fuck y'all say," she responded. "So, what do you shotacons wanna know about a broke, ignored fuck like myself?"

"Oh, we just wanna know what incidents you've been working on," Aya said. She pulled out a notepad from her fanny pack as well as a strange device that looked like a pen with a mouthpiece on one end of it. She put the writing end on the notepad and turned to Reimu. "Speak to me, hun."

"I ain't a Hun, you bitch; I'm Japanese!" Reimu sneered at Aya's remark. She walked toward the back door, leading the interviewers and wolf tengu along. "My apologies, oh daughter of the glorious Yamato," Aya remarked, making it unclear whether or not it was sarcastic. "Say, I heard you were trying to figure out the cause of this 'venerable disease' causing havoc in Gensokyo. Could ya tell me a little more about it?"

By then the party was already outside, Reimu and Aya made two. Hatate and Momiji made two. Altogether, there were five people at the shrine that mid-day. The group headed to the side of the Hakurei shrine's exterior. "My piss burns like lava and my cunt itches like a cat's cock," Reimu told the tengus. "Apparently, damn near everyone else is in the same shithole, except for dudes, 'cause their dicks aren't cunts. And they're always scratching their balls." Aya rambled too quickly to be understood into her device. Whatever she spoke into the mouthpiece of it, the pen instantly wrote it on the paper. Reimu has never seen such a contraption before, but the oddities that seem commonplace because of her profession made the invention rather mundane. Aya then lifted her head from the mouthpiece. "Ohh, fascinating, fascinating," she tried to communicate that she was listening. "Anything else on this little incident of yours?"

"Those pseudo-intellectual circle jerking witches can't do shit about this piss-raping cock cocking," sputtered Reimu. "That ne'er-do-well shit-for-brains with her dick-growing potions ain't helping either. As for the Almighty Purple Cunt Master, she just rapes virgins all _pinche_ day."

Ms. Shameimaru's mumblings into her speakwrite suddenly became loud and clear when she repeated "rapes virgins." Reimu stopped for a moment and picked up a cobblestone from under the back corner of the shrine. A dark grey and nearly perfectly spherical ball of raw weight laid in her right hand. "Listen, I had a rough night last night," she warned the interviewers. "And this God-forsaken incident isn't exactly a smooth cock ride through six whiny little bitch danmaku battles, so I don't fucking know how to hammer in this necrophiliac non-nail, _putas_."

"Oh, don't worry about your little problems, Ms. Hakurei," the lead tengu reassured the miko.

"SISTER Hakurei," Reimu interrupted, clenching her cobblestone like a new fist. "I don't kiss God's ass and try to give Her lip service into not getting our sorry meaningless asses utterly destroyed by Her rage clit to be called 'Miss,' _capiche_, feather pubes?"

Aya's cocky grin ground its teeth from that remark, but stayed grinning. "Like, O.M.G.," Hatate remarked while mashing her cell phone's buttons. "Like, ask her about, like, the, like, sacrilege and, like, what's up with, like, that. Like, yeah." Her eyes did not leave the screen of her fancy electronic device.

"You mean sacrifices?" Momiji corrected the other lesser tengu.

"Like, yeah. Totally!"

"Ok, then," Aya said accepting the suggestion from her subordinates. "So... Sister... Hakurei, how did this virgin sacrifice policy come into being for your shrine?" Before Reimu even let out a thought for a response, Aya stuck her mouth back on the speakwrite and spokewrote away.

Now stopping at the side alley of the shrine, Reimu turned to face the trio. "Ya wanna know about the fucking sacrifices, huh?" Reimu gave off an undetected double entendre to the reporters. "Well, that bullshit started when the Hakurei god saw me with my damned various empty organs and thought of a brilliant idea. I was told to talk to those dumb-asses at the human village for being a bunch of Jews and not giving me any God-damn money. I was sent to punish their cunt-punting lot by making them kill off their just-as-impure virgins. After that, shit was fine and dandy with me, as you can obviously tell."

"But you're still as poor as ever, only this time with dead virgins," Aya retorted to the miko with her mouth away from her writing device. "On top of that, it burns when you pee, so I don't think this is helping you or your god's case."

As if Reimu's blood weren't boiling before from the reputations of these "journalists," they were now questioning her, and no one ever questioned Reimu whenever she hand waved her motives by claiming them as the Hakurei god's will. This was a strange new incident that emerged before Reimu that she didn't have the spell cards to handle. Blasphemy, she thought she remembered her parents calling it? Or was it heresy? Reimu didn't care about the hair-splitting distinctions; she could tell a thought crime when she heard it, and no one gets away with telling one in front of her without experiencing the annals of her wrath. "Can it, crow slut!" she screamed at the tengu. Her stoic face was resisting the bearing of her seemingly infinite rage. "This shit is exactly what's fucking up our shit, and I didn't say that I wasn't feeling the sodomy either, cum garglers!"

Aya turned to her speakwrite, maintaining a pretentious smirk for a straight face since they stopped at the side of the shrine. Reimu turned her eyes from giving the death stare to the ignorant reporter and looked down on her notepad. Skimming its literary contents, Aya's scribing made all sorts of blatant slander about the miko. Embezzlement, feigning poverty for sympathy, promiscuity, deceiving the laity, serial rape, surgical removal of genitalia, cruel and unusual punishment, vendettas against other shrines, youkai genocide, sympathy with Emmanuel Goldstein, the "report" went on and on down the page, making Reimu seem like the bastard child of Hitler and Beelzebub. Reimu shuffled the cobblestone in her hand while staring down the writing in Aya's. At the bottom of the page, the page read, "'Sister' Hakurei is an evil soulless unintelligent pigdogslut," Then the speak write scrawled out, "just like her evil soulless pigdogslut mother."

Reimu's straight face instantly snapped into an abysmal manifestation of insatiable rage. She felt her muscles twitch, needing to unleash an overwhelming surge of force upon this heinous tengu. She ran up two paces to Aya and swung her right arm, causing the cobblestone to strike her square the left cheek. Aya spun a revolution and a half, uncontrollably throwing her notepad and speakwrite. She fell on her face, unconscious next to one of her freed teeth. This attack caused Hatate to take a picture of the miko striking her superior. Momiji, however, drew her sword and made a growl, threatening the assaulter. Reimu continued focusing her rampage on the culprit of slander. She knelt down and reached up the unconscious Aya's skirt. Able to find the panties, she grabbed the top of them with her free hand and two fingers of the cobblestone-clad one, and yanked them down in a swift motion to her knees. She crawled closer to the unresponsive reporter and tugged at her giant red ribbon and yanked it off. As it unraveled, Aya's body swung back and landed supine before Reimu, who was now kneeling again and tossing the ribbon aside.

Momiji burst forth and swung down her sword upon the enraged miko. Reimu responded by rising to one knee and pumping her cobblestone forward against the blade. This caused the blade of the scimitar to burst into pieces and the hilt to fly out of the wolf tengu's hand. Momiji flew back from the impact of the simultaneous blows. Reimu responded to the collision by merely letting her arm out for a moment, slowly lowering it and picking a couple pieces of shrapnel off her face with her free hand.

Aya woke up and blinked her eyes a few times, wondering where she was. She was blinded by a bright light, and she didn't know how much time passed since she was last conscious or even where she was. The ground felt like a grid of spherical gravel, and the smell of the air made her know that she was outside. The bright light became blinded by a humanoid shadow. This figure emanated an expression of unthinkable hate from her very eyes to the supine tengu's. She lifted her right arm with a stone in its fist. Aya could recognize that armpit from anywhere. Reimu planted the rock on Aya's larynx while kneeling over her. Her free hand grabbed the tengu's collar and yanked at her button-down shirt, exposing her torso and making some buttons pop off. She slid the cobblestone down Aya's neck and chest down to her bra. A ring finger and pinkie grabbed at the center of Aya's bra. Reimu yanked upward, making Aya's breasts bounce. The cobblestone ground against the tengu's sternum as Reimu gave harder and harder yanks to rip off the undergarment. This caused Aya to scream in pain from the pressure of solid rock on her chest. The bra finally gave in and flew off Aya's chest.

The cobblestone's momentum made it travel up Aya's cheek and smacked her on the jaw. Reimu lifted her arm up in the air, ceasing the cobblestone's momentum and keeping it still to eclipse the Sun over Aya. Reimu then forced the stone to fall and strike against Aya's temple.

By then, Aya felt too weak to lift her head or limbs and fondled another emancipated tooth in her mouth. She laid with her hands above her head and legs spread about shoulder length. Blood drooled from her mouth, agape and exposing her bloody tongue. Her chest was bare, marked with a boldly-colored abrasion from between her exposed breasts all the way up to the bumps of her collar bone. She looked up to Reimu with her slightly twitching red eyes, red irises and red sclerae coated with lacrimal fluid. Her blurred watery vision could make out Reimu shuffling on top her, shimmying off her bloomers. Then she felt a heavy blow on her abdomen. She could swear it was a ruptured appendix, but Reimu knew better.

Holding the cobblestone with it and her fist dug into Aya's belly as to almost touch her vertebrae. Aya tried to scream again, but she only gargled on her own blood and choked on a tooth.  
>Momiji crawled back to the scene with completely drained energy. On all fours like the obedient dog she was, she looked up at the scene panting heavily from tire. She noted the miko on top of her master, beating her, tearing off her clothes. Momiji knew that there was nothing she could do, remembering the shrapnel from the sword that the enraged monster of a holy woman obliterated. Still mustering the strength to keep her head up, she turned to her partner, Hatate. The girl in the checkerboard skirt and the bright red obi stood in place taking pictures of the miko and victim tengu with her fancy camera phone. "Wh- Why you do this!" Momiji whimpered and cried to Hatate.<p>

"Like, this is, like, coverage, like, our, like, newspaper, like, needs! Like, totally!" Hatate ticked, refusing to let her eyes leave the horrid scene.

Momiji's eyes watered. "But... but..." she stuttered. "But Aya's... Aya's... Ayaya..." She could no longer utter words or even stay on her hands and knees. Momiji curled up into the fetal position and cried heavily. Hatate looked down at the poor depressed mutt, then said to herself, "Whatever," and continued to take pictures of Reimu and Aya. Hatate no longer had to answer to her compromised leader, but her new freedom was slavery to knowing only slander and defilement of reputation. She kept taking picture after picture, failing to become satisfied until she had so many pictures to distribute, profit and maybe even enjoy personally.

Reimu dug her knee onto Aya's free thigh, with her right hand on the abdominal cobblestone. Aya continued to groan through her teeth from the pain Reimu inflicted. The miko grabbed the tengu's left leg by the thigh and lifted it up till it stood normal to the ground. Stretching the tengu's leg to straining made Aya release another groan. She then looked down on Reimu's and her position, knowing what the miko planned. "Please..." Aya begged while spittling out blood. "Don't do this..."

"Bitch, I don't fucking care," Reimu grunted while leaning on Aya's erect leg. "I'm at war with you tengus. I have always been at war with you bedsore-fucking tengus." This was clearly a contradiction to previous policy from the Hakurei shrine that most youkai were human-eating literal monsters, but tengus were on the list of ally exceptions. Unfortunately, none of that mattered when Reimu wrapped her free arm around Aya's leg and opened up her labia.

Aya struggled to break free from under Reimu, but the Miko's response was to smash the cobblestone square on Aya' nose. She then beat at Aya's arms until she heard bone cracking. Miraculously, the cobblestone had yet to break on Aya's body or Reimu's force. Now with her arms broken and her legs pinned under the red-white, Aya, truly had no method of running. She couldn't stand the pain on her sternum, in her abdomen, on her arms, in her mouth. From all that incoming pain, one more new sensation stood out from the rest. It wasn't a blow of physical damage, but something... softer. Mustering all her strength to defy her reflexes, Ms. Shameimaru turned her eyes downward to notice what the Hell Reimu was doing to her now.

Reimu smacked her raging wet womanhood against Aya's unwelcoming lady parts. Her muscles shook and she uncontrollably grunt-laughed through her clenched grinning teeth. Sister Hakurei never felt this intense of stimulation in her years of violence and violation. It was like listening to ZUN's discography with her vagina. The miko continued to thrust herself against the helpless journalist, who screamed in continuing pain and utter confusion.

Momiji continued to weep in her little hairy ball, praying that this nightmare was exactly that, and that she'll wake up treating this abominable situation as if nothing happened. Hatate stood on one leg, snapping picture after picture at a rapid rate. She snickered at Reimu's rampaging rape, a gestation of maniacal laughter oozing from her lips. Aya screamed; Reimu groaned; Hatate chuckled; Momiji cried. No one uttered any sign of being moral sapient beings. These noises barely demonstrated sentience. These less-than-human noises, Aya's body, Aya's bleeding, Aya's ill reputation, the potentially lethal cobblestone she wielded, the blistering bright summer sun, all these sensations fueled Reimu's undying hatred and anger with surplus. One would think that all this emotional energy that overwhelmed the vice of wrath poured over to that of lust, because the red-white seemed to also be finding this scene indescribably sexually gratifying.

Reimu lifted the cobblestone again, swinging it down upon the victimized tengu, striking upon her the deeply-reddened spot upon her sternum. Aya stopped screaming, degrading into a puff of windedness and a gasping for respiratory function. She slammed shut her eyes, which by then were pouring forth solid streams of tears. Somehow, she found herself able to breathe again, but instead continued her wailing.

Reimu continued grinding herself against Aya, biting her lip and huffing from making her victim completely traumatized and from the intrinsic pleasurable sensation. She made a pendulum of her right arm bearing the cobblestone and proceeded to smash Aya' face in. Every strike made more orifices bleed and created new holes for the vital fluid to secrete. Both parties could feel bone start to chip and break. Reimu reached out her left hand, bending back the leg and making Aya even more in pain than previously. She grabbed Ms. Shameimaru's breast, squeezing it, pressing her palm against it, while the other hand continued the more blatant assault.

Reimu communicated her ineffable hate to the tengu with each strike of the cobblestone. "Whack" translates as "I hate you." "Whack" translates as "I hate you so God-damn much." "Whack" translates as "I hate you more than Hitler hated Jews." "Whack" translates as "Everyone hates you." "Whack" translates as "No one can possibly love you, even in their wrong mind." "Whack" translates as "You'd be better off never having existed." "Whack" translates as "Die where you lie right now."

Aya understood exactly what Reimu told her through the cobblestone. She was starting to become faint from blood loss until another strike promptly woke her up. Unfortunately, she no longer had the strength to scream, so she merely uttered an anemic groan while the cobblestone fell over her head another time and Reimu plowed between her legs.

The cobblestone landed right on Aya's already bleeding and dented forehead. An unusually loud cracking noise exploded from Aya's skull. Reimu swiped at it once more, causing brain tissue to become exposed. The infinitely malleable substance oozed out for a moment, causing Reimu to flare up even more in her face and her womanhood. She instinctively gave Aya's horridly defiled cranium another blow. Brain tissue and blood splattered in every direction like grenade shrapnel. This made Reimu go on edge. She could feel the release wanting to break forth from inside her. Just a few more blows...

Reimu forcefully planted the cobblestone where God once placed Aya's frontal lobe. She pulled it out once more and smashed it deeper into the squishy tissue. Aya let out one barely audible gargling groan. Then Reimu felt herself releasing on top of and inside the tengu. She unleashed a guttural, otherworldly groan while her eyes upturned to where only her sclerae showed. Sister Hakurei seemed to be possessed by some demon for that moment. Reimu's assault was a battle, her victory, the climax. Her left arm stiffened from the orgasm, pushing all Riemu's weight on Aya's chest. Her hand squeezed the breasts, almost crushing it, her nails digging into the flesh and making gashes. The more interesting aspect of this groping to the rampaging miko was the fact that the chest underneath ceased to move completely. No more rising, no more falling, no more thumping. For that moment, Reimu's war against the reporter was peace.

After subconsciously suspending that moment for as long as her willpower possibly could, Reimu transformed from a shaking, catatonic monster into an exhausted miko. She wavered around in her kneeling position for a moment then fell forward, landing on her forearms and elbows. After her two-minutes hate, Reimu's tunnel vision faded, making her notice the sounds and smells in her environment as well. She looked up to the source of crying and camera snapping and saw the other two tengus. Now with her weight off of Aya's mutilated corpse and on her left arm outstretched behind her, Reimu pointed at Hatate with her blood- and cerebrospinal fluid-drenched hand. "Listen," Reimu slurred at the tengu between heavy pants.. "If you want a vision of the future if you so much as think about publishing those photos..." Reimu then swung her arm in an emphatic gesture, splashing Aya's blood on the two like an aspergillum while continuing. "...or telling ANYONE about what I did..." Reimu tried to catch her breath for a moment. "... Imagine my boot stomping on your tengu face..." Reimu gasped. "...Forever."

Hatate suddenly stopped mashing a single button on her phone and looked at the real live Reimu Hakurei, huffing, sweating, covered in blood and vaginal mucous. She suddenly realized the reality of the scene and the real danger of the human before her. Her eyes widened while she shut her phone and put it away. Immediately, she took to the skies hoping to never see, hear of, or even think about Reimu Hakurei ever again. She then saw the once mighty armed warrior in only civilian clothes, curled up and shaking. Even her tail was turning inward, trying to bunch up into the Momiji singularity. Reimu couldn't stand such a sight either. "And you, too, peanut butter dick!" she shouted at the traumatized wolf tengu. With that order, Momiji wiggled up to her hands and knees and crawled away, whimpering quietly.

"Holy fuck, that felt damn good," Reimu thought, contemplating in retrospect her recent unpersoning. She let Aya's left leg slide off Reimu's shoulder, and the miko stood up, slightly wobbling. She knew she needed to deal with the body soon, but for now, she could really use a hot cup of tea and a hot bath.

Reimu walked into her shrine hoping for a pot and leaves to be ready. Instead she saw Marisa, her face covered in feces like an idiot and grinning like an idiot. She was holding a newspaper in her hand. "Awww, man," she told Reimu. "I guess I got really shit-faced last night, ze~."

"Go fap to prolefeed," Reimu quacked at Marisa. She grabbed the paper out of the witch's hand and took a quick look at the front page. "Chocolate spell cards now bigger from thirty grams to twenty?" Reimu read the headline. She then refolded the newspaper swiftly and threw it at Marisa. "Bullshit, I bet the next piss in the font they'll tell us is that Big Brother is watching me masturbate."


	8. Chapter 8: Inferno

The Hell of Blazing Fires was a hell of blazing fires. Luckily, Reimu just got back from a day of complete sloth and apathy totally with no murder-rape, while Marisa spent all previous day cleaning herself in someone else's abode while having loud lesbian sex with one of her girlfriends that night, much to her miko friend's chagrin. With the taste of Reimu's "chicken" soup still fresh in her mouth, Marisa let in a heavy gasp for air, able to smell the burnt everything infesting the environment. She wiped her brow with her forearm during the following exhaling sigh. "Hoo, man," Marisa said. "It sure is too hot for comfort here."

"No shit, Sherlock," Reimu yelled at the witch. She noticed Marisa's wardrobe featuring mostly black in its repertoire and its unusually large hat. "Maybe you should've thought about that shit when you dressed like it's fucking Halloween!"

"Hey, now, black is beautiful!" Marisa retorted. She readjusted the bound and gagged hostage on her back. "Say, why DO we needa send these sacrifices to the Hell of Blazing Fires?"

"Divine fucking retribution," Reimu reminded. She swung the sacrifice that was once on her arm over her shoulder and in front of her. She primed her arms for throwing the bound victim into the blistering pseudo-sun below her and her witchy friend. Suddenly, Reimu's fiery slaughter was interrupted by the blaring of sirens. Giant holographic signs warned the two youkai hunters with a "(radioactive symbol) CAUTION (radioactive symbol) CAUTION (radioactive symbol) CAUTION (radioactive symbol)." Afterward, the most awesome song ever imaginable played to proceed the coming of such an angelic creature. From above an overwhelming pair of pitch black wings draped in an almost-as-large white sash hovered from above. Reimu and Marisa recognized those wings. They descended from the sky, giving sight of the body attached to them. A handsome ruddy woman with knee-length coal black hair and a cannon wrapped around her right arm peered down upon the four humans at her domain. She gave her wings a flap and grinned heavily.

Now, there are a few things one needs to know about such a person as Utsuho Reiuji, née Norris. Mrs. Reiuji was born and raised in the Hell of Blazing Fires, a hell of blazing fires that makes a manly man out of even the whiniest of babies virtually instantly, and this hell raven was no exception. Even in an inferno where the average resident eats volatile hydrogen plasma at 10,000 Kelvin and defecates gold bars, Utsuho was unusually resilient. In her teens, she consistently reigned region champion of obelisk caber tossing. Utsuho sprained her ankle on a miniature neutron star, but decided to keep the solid rock cast for its pure fashionability. One day, a woman with a strange obsession with snakes gave Utsuho a sun god. Utsuho decided to eat that sun god for the lulz. She then suddenly sported a massive erection what lasted a solid week (FUN FACT: It would have been permanent if she didn't proceed to give the snake girl a mind-blowing and beautiful sexing with her hot steaming control rod.) She is now queen absolute of the Hell of Blazing fires under the accurate title of Second Only to God, and everyone loves her and obediently follows her.

Now she hovered over the humans at the hell of Blazing Fires, readjusting her third eye planted on her sternum in order to see the individual nucleons within the visitors. "Oh, look who it izh," Utsuho bellowed with a sexy, growling baritone.

"Oh, fucking God," Reimu and Marisa shouted in unison, Reimu because she's Reimu, but Marisa because she was experiencing intense, nuclear-explosive orgasms from Okuu's presence. Utsuho swayed back and forth, shaking the universe in her sash. "It'sh that little miko with the armpitch," she seemed to sing. "And her cute little blonde friend. Shay, what are you two doing in my hizhoush?"

"None of your mind-raping business, you double nigger!" Reimu yelled at the first of the new Master Race.

"Ah, but it _izh_ my bizhnish," Utsuho explained. "You shee, anything that getsh thrown into that shun becomezh a part of me in shome shtrange metaphorical manner. From the looksh of it, you two were about to throw those two young lovebirdsh into my fire." Utsuho then snapped her fingers, and the earth shook. The burning perpetual nuclear explosion beneath regurgitated a delicious sandwich, which flew up and landed casually into Utsuho's left hand. The hell raven then proceeded to take a rather emphatic bite, causing someone's head to spontaneous combust somewhere in Gensokyo and Marisa to grab her broomstick more tightly and grunt an even louder moan of ecstasy. "And I need to double-check if Romeo and Juliet here are worthy of dying in shuch an aweshome and badash way."

Reimu opened her mouth to talk back at Utsuho, but she could not conjure the words to retort her. She only grunted in anger under her breath while clenching her teeth back together. Utsuho glided down to Reimu's and Marisa's level. She inched closer to examine the man and woman accompanying the miko and the witch against their wills. She stared them down, grabbed them, smelled them, knocked them with her arm cannon. After a thorough physical of the two, Utsuho returned to a comfortable distance from the visitors and spoke to them. "Thozhe poor shoulzh," she growled. "They shtill fear death."

Reimu laughed at the top of her lungs from the result while Marisa came for the umpteenth time, her secretion dripping off her foot and into the lake of fire below. "Well, I'll take them anyway. There'sh a proverb here in the Hell of Blazhing Firezh: 'Even flimshy paper can be burned into neutronium.'"

Reimu just stared at Utsuho with immense skepticism, but she thought that if anything, at least she can now get rid of these two insolent ass-hats. With the order, Reimu hung out her victim with one hand then casually dropped him into the blazing fire. The Hell of blazing fires still resonated a cacophony from its crackling and grilling. Queen Reiuji flapped her wings and took another bite from her sandwich. Her wings shed several feathers that flew out at Mach 3 and causing a earth-shaking nuclear explosion upon percussion. Upon swallowing her most recent bite, she had a sudden realization. "Unyu?" she ticked. Suddenly, a legion off hell ravens in robes and mortarboards literally carrying whole libraries and databases to her came to her intellectual aid. "I wonder what happened to the other poor human hoshtage you two paganzh brought with you two."

"God dammit, banshee whore!" Reimu scolded Marisa. "I can't trust you with shit, much less a human-fucking-being-shaped pile of shit!"

Marisa's response was her continuation of being sexed up good and proper from being in Utsuho's bubble. By now, she was hanging upside-down from her broomstick, clinging to and groping it. Her giant witch hat seemed suctioned to her cranium, because it somehow miraculously didn't fall off. Another noticeable sight was that the sacrifice she was carrying didn't hang on her back, but probably fell into the Hell of Blazing Fires. "Oh, wait," Utsuho interrupted Reimu's anger. "She's already in my beautiful ekshplosion." She quickly and forcefully turned around and looked down upon her gigantic sun. Marisa, through her hazy blurred vision, could somehow catch a gander at Okuu's panties. They had a mushroom cloud printed right on the butt and the phrase "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds," written on the band. From that view of destruction, the witch let out a torrent of projectile squirting that penetrated her skirt, bloomers, and even apron. The juice that burst forth from Marisa's genitalia landed on Okuu's magnificent sash. Utsuho looked over and noticed the newly-formed stain. "Unyu?" She muttered while looking over her shoulder. "Oh, yesh, about that dizheashe that you all are trying to find a treatment for. I took care of the illnesh myshelf by shrinking myshelf to microshkopic shizhe and beating the everliving shite out of the pathogenzh. I shuggest that you do the shame for the germzh in your shishtem."

"Dissecting Suwako," Reimu shouted. "That's oni shit. I'm off to go fist Yukari's old hag cunt and tear out her pus-filled uterus. Come on, sebum breath. Let's blow this joint like your mom blows bent autistic dicks."

"Before you two run off," Utsuho, told the pair. "I would like to give a little parting gift." She flew over to the two and placed her arm cannon upon Reimu's forehead. Suddenly, Reimu learned the meaning of life. Mrs. Reiuji then made the same action upon Marisa. Drool falling off her temple and her eyes glazed over in an ahegao, Ms. Kirisame also learned the meaning of life during another winded strained groan.

"Unfortunately, neither of you two humanzh will remember thish revelation in about an hour from when I touched your frontal lobezh." Utsuho informed Reimu and Marisa. She then took another bite of her tasty sandwich, causing Duke Nukem Forever to finally be released onto all video game consoles, PC, Linux, and yes, even for Macs.

Utsuho Norris Reiuji flew off to attend to the emotional needs of the constellations. Ursa Minor was being especially mercurial and emo during the previous conversation. Marisa was finally able to grab a breather after constant orgasm. The two flew off toward whence they came. Neither spoke to each other and merely sported smiles of inner peace on their faces until they reached the oni city.


	9. Chapter 9: Infection

Marisa felt the bloomers hanging off the end of her broomstick. They were still a little damp, but at least she got all the questionable wetness out of them. She slipped them off the broom and tried to shimmy them on while still walking. "Jun'ya Oota," Reimu cursed as she stepped into something brown and squishy. "Dammit, piss hair, why did you dyke that shit-faced unicorn?"

"Don't blame me," Marisa remarked defensively. "We were just having a staring contest, then she suddenly found me irresistible. What else could I do; I had to get her rocks off!" Reimu sighed and stuffed her foot in an unsuspecting fairy's mouth to sanitate her footwear. Just what this world needs, Reimu thought. Mari-horn-fucking-Yuugi.

Our heroes continued venturing toward the mouth of the deep, dank, cave. "Stupid pinche sonanoka farts," Reimu griped. "I can't see shit in this Moloch-forsaken cave."

Suddenly, something in a skirt poofy enough to make its wearer look pregnant fell from the invisible ceiling. She plummeted until she abruptly stopped face-to-face in front of the two, hanging up-side down and slightly swaying. A thick white string protruded from between her legs. "Oh? Humans? How unusual." the youkai remarked while attempting to stabilize her movement.

From the darkness above came another falling object. This time a bucket fell, also on a string, and stopped at the same level as the brown-suited youkai. The bucket hung on a rope and swung in counter-unison with the spider youkai. A green-haired girl popped out from the hanging water-carrying device. "Mmmmyizzz," the girl attempted to growl. "These two specimens before us seem to be of the H. sapiens species, Madam Kurodani."

"How unusual," the spider youkai replied. "So what are you humans doing in a place like this?" Yamame gracelessly positioned herself at the same orientation as the two humans on the ground and hung by her hand on her web. She stared at Reimu and Marisa at eye level, hanging off the ground from her child-like stature. "You two don't happen to be those youkai hunters from earlier..."

"Didn't I fucking murder you back when a nigger ran for President of Fatassland?" Reimu responded. "Now keep the Makai outta my fucking way before I pop your cherry with an aspergillum."

"Wait a pacifist spell card capture," Marisa interrupted. "Doesn't this little girl know how to manipulate infectious disease?"

Reimu turned around and planted her hand on Marisa's shoulder. "Marisa," she sighed. "I know you read some of the craziest shit in your reading, but please don't be a Don Quixote with tits, or I'll pop a cap in Sancho and I'd slap her down." Yamame flinched from Reimu's remark to the point of losing balance and falling off her string. "Now where in all of God's neon-colored Earth did you pull that glans-biting factoid other than your genitalia?"

Marisa grinned as to almost deride the miko. "I read it on Touhou Wiki, ze~!" she replied.

The one sentence Reimu wanted to scold Marisa with was "You gotta be shitting fucking me," more than any other remark imaginable. She had to think of something better, because she had to actually seem like she knew what she was talking about from the ridiculous and seemingly baseless claim. "You gotta be shitting fucking me," Reimu scolded at her witchy friend.

"In all actuality," Kisume interrupted, refusing to divert her eyes from her Nietzsche novel. "My compatriot and affiliate, Madam Yamame of the house of Kurodani does, _ipso facto_, suffice the knowledge and ability to manipulate pathogenic disease. Mmmyizzz."

By then, Yamame wobbled slightly, but still kept standing. She patted off her clothes, causing mud to sprinkle off. "Indeed. Say, you wanna see my power in action?"

Reimu had an epiphany. Yamame can manipulate infectious disease, and this incident is caused by an infectious disease, so she can persuade her friendly neighborhood spider loli to get rid of this disease once and for all. Of course, all she has to do is ask! "Hey, foot fucker," Reimu shouted at little Yamame. "Make it stop burning like nasty-ass sake when I'm firing piss out my cunt or I'll stuff you like a diaphragm into an Australian's shit-stained shoe!"

Yamame shook for a moment. Seldom did she hear anyone talk so vulgarly, only in Kisume's recitals of "high-class" literature. She shook her head and smiled, looking up to Reimu and standing up straight. With a warm smile and bright eyes, she told the miko, "Only if you say the magic word!"

"Bitch!" Reimu replied. Yamame lost balance and fell over on her back from the red-white's response. She supported herself off her shoulders with her elbows. "Th- that's not the magic word..." Yamame stuttered.

"It is now, motherfucker," Reimu screamed at the spider loli. Her miko stick smacked against her free palm as she took a step toward the supine youkai. Yamame scooted back to keep her distance from Reimu.

"If you value your jizz stain of an existence, you'll get the shit out of your ears and keep your whore mouth shut, you eight-legged whore!" The Hakurei Yin-Yang Orbs appeared from thin air and orbited around Reimu. She took another step, this time, seemingly calmer and more meticulous. "Do you have the slightest pinche idea in your singularity of a brain who the fuck I am?" The muddy splash of another one of Reimu's steps made an audible question mark. "I've fucking murdered countless small fry little youkai bitches such as your insignificant self, and I've killed more butt-fucking fairies than the Nazis killed damn dirty greedy Jews!" Reimu's realization of the hypocrisy in her last remark was drowned out by another wet, sloppy pace of hers. "I take a shitload of business trips to the fuckloads of afterlives around here, and I never die, 'cause no ass-licker in Gensokyo can kill me. Not even gods can make me suck their dicks. Instead, the gods suck mine. Myriads have tried to bring me to my knees, and all have failed like the fucking failures they are. Ya wanna know why, ya shit-covered shithead?" Reimu aligned her feet to where her heels touched. Her eyes glowed a fiery gaze of rage, and her teeth bore as if she had vicious fangs. She squeezed her miko stick with both hands as if she were to snap it in two like a twig. She turned up her chin, her eyes still pinning Yamame to the muddy ground. "Because I'm the Goddamn Raymoo."

Yamame was curled up in the fetal position, bawling like a little girl. Her face and dress were wet and defiled with the mud and manure littering the cave floor. She dared look Reimu in the eye with hers pouring waterfalls of tears. "Fine," Yamame shrieked with all her strength. "I'll help you all I can! Just don't hurt me, please!"

Reimu's Yin-Yang Orbs sunk back into her hammer space, and her fearsome war face reverted back to her unamused scowl. "Ok, then, fuck face," Reimu told Yamame. "Come with me to my shrine." She walked past the youkai lying on the floor, and Marisa followed suit, trying to catch up. The witch grabbed Yamame's hand and helped her up. "Come on, little one. We'll get you cleaned up." Marisa told her.

Yamame's face showed a slight glint of brightness from Marisa's polite acts. She followed the witch and the miko back to the outside world.

Kisume peered over her read with a bored look on her face. She noticed that the party had left. "Oh, well," she sighed. "Not like I should concern myself in such matters or any matters at all. Being a slothful waste of space and oxygen is the road to true happiness." She continued to read the novel in her bucket, pretending to analyze the finer, more subtle messages hidden within. Cirno flew up to the girl and the bucket and froze her, confusing her for a frog. "I'M THE STRONGEST!" she bellowed after defeating Kisume in a block of ice.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A.N.: Yes Kisume did use the term _ipso facto_ incorrectly. That's the joke.


	10. Chapter 10: Normalcy

Yamame laid her hands on the Hakurei devotee kneeling before her. She closed her eyes and widened her smile a notch. "You are now healed," she informed the human. He lifted himself erect and looked down on the little spider girl. "You must be some kind of miracle worker," he told Yamame.

"No, I'm just a youkai who isn't a complete jerk," she replied. The next human in need carried a little girl with her eyes softly shut. "Please help me, oh good youkai," she begged. "My little girl, she's dead."

Yamame looked down on the young body. She looked back up to the adult and said, "She's not dead. She's just sleeping."

From that remark, the little girl shuffled about in the parent figure's arms. "I'm not dead," she grumbled.

"There," Yamame reassured the human. "She said she's not dead."

"Yes, she is," the larger human denied. The little girl waved her free arm, grunting, "I'm not!"

"She isn't?" Yamame said confused and blinking.

"Well, she will be still," rebutted the adult. "She's very ill." The little girl protested in the larger human's arms. "I'm getting better!" she groaned.

Before another word could be spoken, the front door to the Hakurei Shrine swung open with a slam. Reimu was standing behind the shrine front porch in only her sarashi and bloomers. Her right arm outstretched with her miko stick in hand and her left hand dragged along the virgin sacrifice speculated to originate from the Moriya shrine congregation. Her unusually bare body was covered in sweat, staining what little clothes she was wearing. Her face sported a heavy blush and her usual cynical scowl, except a burning black flame licked inside her pupils, ready to murder everyone in sight. "Last Prophet's likeness," Reimu screamed at the trio on her porch. "Why the Hell are y'all _coñ-nnnnichiwa_, worshipers! How are you guys doing this fine day? If you can't tell, I was rudely interrupted from my very solemn and important ritual, which is why I may be acting rather cranky lately. Here," Reimu drop-kicked the sacrifice back into the shrine interior and turned back to the crowd. "Let me get my good trustworthy friend handle these issues while I perform my..." Reimu looked down at her sacrifice trying to breathe through his tightly-tied gag, then looked back onto the crowd. "...ritual."

Reimu leaned over, reaching for the door, then slammed it shut. The crowd stood silent for a moment, then Reimu swung the door open. "And I better not hear anyone quoting Monty Python at my shrine anymore!" She shouted to the masses. "Seriously, people, why don't you guys make your own jokes once in a while instead of referencing others'?" The door slammed shut again, and eventually, Yamame and company continued with their disease-ridding business.

Hatate and Momiji came up to the Hakurei porch next. Momiji wore her bright red sash over her eyes while Hatate led her up the steps. "I don't like the smell of this place," Momiji whimpered.

"Like, it's, like, gonna, like, be, like, ok!" Hatate reassured her wolf tengu coworker. "Just, like, wait, like, here, and, like, let me, like, get, like, healed, then, like, you can, like, get, like, rid of, like, your, like, disease. Totally."

Yamame laid her hands on Hatate, ridding her of the infection. She then walked over and reset Momiji's status effects. She noticed the blindfold on over the wolf's eyes. She grabbed the cloth and threw it off her face, allowing her to see. Momiji blinked a few times, looking around at the shrine. She cringed a little then trembled a little more. Her eyes watered up while shaking like Michael J. Fox handling a battery-operated boyfriend. "It's... it's- it's..." Momiji stuttered. "B-b-b-bad l-lady... Aya... Aya..." Suddenly, she burst into tears and ran off through the crowd. "Like, come, like back!" Hatate shouted, trying to calm down her affiliate. She then flew off chasing the weak-willed wolf tengu.

Marisa slammed the door open emphatically, showing herself to the crowd surrounding the shrine. She was wearing a miko uniform that looked ancient and smelled like Makai after a tennis match with the Hakurei Yin-Yang orbs. "¿_Qué pasa_, all you sexy people?" Ms. Kirisame greeted everyone. "Reimu is currently unavailable right now. Please leave a message after the 'ze.'" Marisa looked at the size of the audience before her and grinned. "Ze~." The crowd ignored her completely while attending to Yamame's healing powers. She just sat and leaned on the shrine wall opening up a bag of potato chips.

Meanwhile, Kisume was still in the cave, reading her philosophical shlock and hating the world from gobbling up everything it claims.

Back to what's going on at the shrine which is actually interesting, Utsuho came up to Yamame and leaned down to have a good long gander at the spider youkai with all three of her eyes. "Do you need shome help, little girl?" she asked.

Yamame looked over Utsuho's side. She then walked past Utsuho's wings and sash to have a good look at the crowd. She could swear that there were thousands to heal today. "Yes, nice lady!" Yamame told Utsuho. "I could use some help! Thank you very much, nice black lady!"

"Shpider, I'm double-black, mind you," Okuu remarked. "But don't let that mishtake get to you. Only God and my mother'sh uranium-heated shkillet friesh are without error." Mrs. Reiuji then proceeded to punch the various humans in the crowd in the septum. These blows hurt like a bitch, but they were as effective at curing as Yamame's abilities. Utsuho accidentally punched a certain Yama in the face in her onslaught of medical fists of fury.

"Now what was that for, you ingrate!" Shikieiki shouted at Utsuho while re-adjusting her hat.

Okuu looked over at the short woman who hated the healing hand. "Oh, I wazh just punching the pathogenzh dead sho you can urinate in peash."

"I don't need that kind of treatment, crow!" Shiki scolded. "I was never affected from this incident!"

"And why'zh that, shorty?" Utsuho innocently asked. Shikieiki lowered her head a little and blushed heavily. She let out a snicker of embarrassment, then a second later snapped into a fiery rage. "SHUT UP!" she shouted while swinging around her judgement stick like a madwoman. By then, everyone thought that a fight was going on, so they all started beating each other for quite literally no reason whatsoever. "What a foolish crowd," Yukari commented.

Marisa looked over at the gap youkai, who was leaning in her gap next to the witch. She chocked on her chip and spat it out. "Since when did you get here!" she shouted at Yukari.

"Since ten seconds ago," Yukari calmly replied. She took a potato chip... AND ATE IT! "That Reimu-chan," Yukari sighed. "If only she knew my feelings for her. I try to be nice to her and all, but she's so ungrateful for the sizable harem I've helped her muster."

Marisa stared at the blonde for a moment and was able only to let out a "wat" in response to Yukari's remark. "Ho well," Yukari continued. "There's nothing I can do about that for now. As for this crowd. I think they need a little hosing." Yukari snapped her fingers and a large gap materialized in front of her and Marisa, facing the crowd ahead. Cirno flew in front of it to see what was up with the gap. Then a gigantic fleshy pillar burst forth from it and launched Cirno into the heavens. Marisa jumped and her chips flew all over the place from whatever was protruding form that gap. "What did you just summon, ze~?" Marisa screamed in horror.

"Oh, nothing," Yukari answered. "It's just a whale cock."

"A whale cock?" Marisa bellowed in complete surprise and disbelief. "What the freakin' Hell, woman!"

The crowd stood silent at the sight of the unbelievably gigantic whale's genitalia that just appeared out of nowhere. They didn't know what to say or do. The... thing... throbbed and churned at the Hakurei shrine. Everyone made their first step to run like hell from the body part ready to explode. At that moment, the whale cock blew its load upon the entire Hakurei congregation. It overwhelmed everyone like a tidal wave and virtually emptied the area. In its wake, a few bodies laid strewn about the scene, which was covered in a layer of white. Only Yukari, Marisa and Yamame were left unscathed at the Hakurei shrine porch. A body rose from the mess of whale semen and approached the shrine. She stopped in front of the little spider girl. "Say," Eirin Yagokoro said completely covered and dripping in jizz. "What's your secret to curing that disease?"

Yamame looked at the doctor, her face indicating that she was primed to provide sage wisdom. "Heck if I know," Yamame shrugged her shoulders. Eirin sighed and tried to wipe the seed of her face. Reimu swung open the door in response to all the commotion, still wearing only her underwear. She looked upon what had happened to the area in front of her honorable shrine. "High-fructose-corn-syrup-sweetened Christ," she grunted. She then slammed the door shut.  
>Utsuho descended from the sky which she retreated to from the ejaculation. She, of course, was completely unscathed. She walked up to Yamame and Eirin. She gave the two Satori's and Koishi's toothbrushes. She then brandished Orin's. "Well, ladiezh," She informed the two recipients. "Looksh like we need go and clean up thish mesh."<p>

Reimu slammed the door open once again. This time, she was carrying a live duck. "Ok, faggoty-ass schemer," Reimu yelled at Yukari while yanking at the duck's penis like a chainsaw's starter engine. "You're really skull-fucked this time!" Reimu stared Yukari down with a passion to ram that duck straight into Yukari's cranium. For infecting her. For making a mess in front of her shrine. For being Yukari fucking Yakumo. She lifted the duck over her head and screamed a war cry while running at top speed toward the age-old gap master.

Yukari jumped back into her gap in retreat while Reimu chased at her. Now that the gap was gone, Reimu was now chasing after her friend in her old uniform. Marisa pissed herself from Reimu's behavior. Fortunately, it didn't sting or burn this time.


End file.
